So Many Things

I feel like so many things are going on that I should have a ton of stuff to post about. But then when I sit down and start to write, I realize that everything I feel so busy with is mental. I'm not doing a ton of fun activities like over the summer, but I'm doing a lot of reading, writing, and thinking for school. I'm thinking about my future and often about my past. And it's hard. The first time I was in school I felt like I could take a long time because I had graduated from high school with so many college credits. Now, I feel like I can't mess up. My semesters are planned so rigidly that I cannot fall behind. I'm doing well so far so I shouldn't worry but it's so much pressure.

And then there's "The Thing". The thing that I refuse to talk about because if I don't talk about it, it will go away, right? "The Thing" that I keep hoping isn't true and keep praying can't exist but I won't know until Friday. "The Thing" that will change lives, not my life the most, but it will definitely affect me. It's the thing that makes me stare out the window of the bus but not see a thing that passes by. It's the thing that makes me shake my head in the middle of a lecture so I can focus again. It's the thing that makes my stomach hurt, that I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about. "The Thing" is at the point where, if it's there, there is only one way to fix it. A hard, painful, long way. A tearful, stressful, sick way. A way that breaks you down so far you may wish you were dead from the very thing you're trying to fix. I keep hoping with all my heart that "The Thing" in this case is just a myth. I keep reminding myself not to be upset because we don't know yet. And I just keep waiting...